Be Strong Inside First

It’s often said that high achievers do incredible things and defy the odds because they had a good upbringing, a coach, a mentor, money, steroids, or some sort of support system. They may be right, but that’s not always the case. What about the people with the disadvantages? The ones in situations where everything was stacked against them – they went broke, a loved one died, they lost the ability to walk or talk again, suffered a mental breakdown, or got diagnosed with a terminal disease?

When they were alone, face to face with adversity, what pushed them? And how can we be more like them?

In challenging situations, they understood one thing: all you have is yourself. You are your last hope and there’s not much you can do if you don’t possess the necessary mental and emotional fortitude.

To be strong like them, you need to be strong inside first.

Why You Need to be Strong Inside First

People who aren’t strong inside first spend too much time focusing on what they’re lacking, what’s wrong, what can go wrong, and what so-and-so thinks. They become reactive and come down hard on themselves but not before criticizing others (misery is lonely and it likes to make friends). With this mindset, ANY small setback gets amplified. This hinders progress. All this spent energy could have been used trying to find a way to overcome the obstacle and not hurt other people along the way.

We also always plan and act as if everything will go as expected. Life doesn’t care when it’s a good time to throw in a crisis, and when that time comes, we’re almost always surprised. We act like our entire life has been a smooth ride since the womb and give ourselves the green light to complain, blame, and panic. We think we’re entitled to life only giving us the good stuff.

It’s not the adverse life event itself that makes everything go wrong but the consequences from our reactions.

We look at the problem, think only the worst, and give up on making a move on the obstacle. We do this to ourselves because the necessary strength within is lacking and when you don’t have a strong internal foundation, your mental and emotional well-being depend on things outside of your control. It becomes tied to things you can do absolutely nothing about. This can be corrected if we go back to the very beginning.

It starts with perspective and how we choose to interpret the event.

Perspective and Choice

“It’s all in how you perceive it. You’re in control. You can dispense with misperception at will, like rounding the point”. -Marcus Aurelius

Being strong inside first begins with choice. When you are in a tough situation or feel like everything is lost, you always have the ability to choose how you will interpret the event. Unless we are subjugated to mind-altering technology, this is something that can never be taken away from us. We always have this power and it’s the most important ability we have as reasoning human beings.

When something first happens, our initial feelings temporarily cloud our minds as a reaction. This is something we don’t have much control over but we can choose to go along with these reactive feelings right away or wait and delay our reaction. Depending on the situation, delaying a reaction is a good first step because it helps simmer those hot impulsive feelings. It allows us to cool off, take a step back, and assess the problem for what it is instead of through our initial lens of anger or fear. You’ll have a clearer perspective and are left with an easier choice of how you will respond. You’d be surprised that just by doing that alone you can take care of many of the most trivial problems.

When your impulsive emotions have subsided, don’t just look at the bad stuff but ask yourself: what good can come from this?

 In many of life’s problems, opportunities always rise from the ashes. If you get fired from a job, maybe it can be a good time to look into that other industry you’ve always been curious about or start that business that you’ve never made any traction on. You have much more time now! If you get in a fight with your significant other, you can practice temperance by temporarily suppressing your own emotions and work on being a better listener. Most conflicts can be resolved by just shutting your mouth and listening. Really, if you fail at ANYTHING, you get an education. You learn what does not work. You’ve heard Thomas Edison’s quote about the 1,000 ways he learned how not to make a light bulb, right?

Once you have a proper perspective set in place then proper action can be taken. Doing this small mental work up front will help you improve at making better decisions because you’ve taken the time to look at obstacles as opportunities instead of . . . well, obstacles. You’ll build better mental habits which in turn will help you build mental and emotional resilience one choice at a time.

Values

“If a man knows not which port he sails, no wind is favorable.” -Seneca

Perspective is an important place to start with being strong inside first but it’s a result of something deeper. If you choose to look at something from a different perspective, what is driving that choice?

Your values.

When people talk about values, the term can be a little vague but I like Mark Manson’s explanation of why they are important in his book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: “Values determine the metrics by which we measure ourselves and everyone. . . . If you want to change how you see your problems, you have to change what you value and/or know how you measure failure/success”. That’s a lot to absorb in those two sentences but it’s clear how values are at the core of everything you do. When you have your values defined, your decisions in life become much clearer and easier to make because you have a “torch” guiding you. You know what kind of relationships you want to keep or get rid of, what career to pursue, how best to solve family issues, if you should start a business, what goals to pursue, and many other life-changing decisions.

Some of my own top values include relationships, health, growth, and freedom. I value relationships because family and close friends play important roles in my daily life. Health because staying in shape keeps my type 1 diabetes under control which allows me to feel energetic and improve my chances of living longer. Growth because I strongly believe that life is about experiences, learning new skills, and working on being a better person every day. Finally, I value freedom because I don’t think we should be working all day, every day. There needs to be a work-life balance with the scale leaning more towards the life side.

Knowing my values provides me with guidance and confidence in the decisions I make about how to live my life. I may not always hit every one of them with the things I do but I know how I can shift and re-prioritize my actions and decisions when I feel like I’m drifting.

Unfortunately, many people don’t take the time to assess their own values to see if what they are doing everyday aligns with them. Those whose actions don’t align with their values experience tension and pain. Consequently, this leads to the erosion of mental and emotional fortitude because they don’t have a base to be anchored to. Circumstances toss them around in an emotional rip tide.

People with strong values believe in them so deeply that nothing and no one can convince them otherwise and it doesn’t matter to them what others think because they know it’s what’s right for them. Any deviation from their values would be considered a sacrilege. That’s why it’s important to take inventory of what you value. It’s your internal GPS that keeps you in the path that’s right for you – if you choose to follow it, of course.

Make the Choice

When you lock down your values and the ability to adopt a constructive perspective, you will become invincible when adversity hits – a solid foundation that cannot be easily moved. But don’t be strong first just to overcome your own personal hardships.

Be strong enough to help others with their burdens, too.

Isn’t that the whole point? To serve others and make this place a little better than when you first got here? What good is there in having resilience solely for your own gain? It’s likely that what you’re pursuing ultimately involves a purpose bigger than yourself – family community, or country. It’s human nature to care for the well-being of others. But first you must fortify yourself.

Dedicate your life to this cause. You’ll come to find out what made those high-achievers resilient.