30 Lessons I Learned in 30 Years

Reading Time: 18 minutes

About two weeks ago, I completed my thirtieth lap around the sun. As my twenties faded into eternity in the months leading up to my birthday, I reflected and asked myself some questions:

What went wrong?

What went well?

How have I changed?

What have I learned along the way?

These are some lessons and observations that came to mind as I mused. Most of them I have not mastered. Some of them I learned from others. Many of them I’ve learned the hard way. All of them have helped me navigate the waters of life.

This list isn’t complete or exhaustive, and you may not agree with everything, but I hope you find some value in the following tidbits as I have over the last three decades.

1. “It’s not things that upset us but our judgment about things.”

This quote from Epictetus, and central pillar to Stoic philosophy, changed my life. When something that we don’t like happens to us, we resist by trying to change it or take back control, but we don’t consider changing our views. In a world in which we have zero control over most events, it’s up to us to decide how something will affect us. We must have the courage to, like Epictetus, say to a thought, “You are just a feeling and not really the thing you claim to represent.”

2. Judging is for jerks.

When I first started dating my wife Jessica over ten years ago, I had this habit of gossiping to her about others – expecting her to agree with my judgments. With everything I said, she’d counter with a simple comment: you don’t know why they’re doing that or what their story is. Sure enough, I’d get the story about that person completely wrong about ninety-nine percent of the time. It was a kick in the nuts. Few things in life have made me feel more stupid or like a jerk. We must never forget the Golden Rule. Since then, I’ve benefited so much more by looking at people’s situations with more objectivity and empathy.

3. Attention is currency.

Seneca once said, “People are frugal in guarding their personal property; but as soon as it comes to squandering time, they are most wasteful of the one thing in which it is right to be stingy.” We can say the same about squandering our attention. We don’t think it’s a big deal when we give it up, but when we do, our cognitive ability to make good decisions deteriorates. That’s why marketers and media companies tap into our fears and desires. It’s the easiest way to get us to turn our heads and act impulsively. That’s why, more than ever, we must preserve our attention – a scarce resource – like money.

4. To ask life what it means is not the right question.

People throughout history have asked what the meaning of life is. Some have found answers in religion, a movement, or no answers at all. I think this pursuit shifts our focus away from what’s important – how we live our life. Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, flipped this question on its head. He said, “Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life.” When our time runs out, what can we say we’ve lived for?

5. A soft life makes one soft.

For all the displeasing jobs, undesirable living situations, and failed attempts I’ve had over the years, they’ve all been vital to my growth. They’ve given me a wider perspective and deeper appreciation of life. I’ve noticed that it’s the people who had everything handed to them that were the most miserable, entitled, brittle, and unprepared for what life had in store for them. To them, the answer is always more and never enough. Yes, it sucks going through tough times at the moment, but in hindsight we always thank them for how they’ve shaped our character.

6. Diabetes can save your life.

I’m certain that if I didn’t have type 1 diabetes, I’d be about thirty or forty pounds heavier than I am now. Diabetes, if treated right, can vastly improve a person’s health. Everything that it demands for its regulation is what everyone on earth needs to be doing – moderating food intake, exercising rigorously, getting good sleep, staying calm, and practicing patience. It’s a built-in accountability tool that I’ve praised in one of my articles. It’s improved my life so much that if there was a cure, I probably wouldn’t pursue it.

7. Don’t dodge the cold.

I learned that consistent exposure to the cold, or cold therapy, strengthens your immune system. It makes sense because anything you do to your body (i.e. physical training, holding your breath, eating right) demands its adaptation or else it will die. If you’re always avoiding the cold or always staying warm, you’re reducing your body’s tolerance to the elements and making it weaker. I haven’t dug too deep into the research yet but I’ve had more energy, better sleep, improved blood sugar control, and rarely gotten sick since I started regularly taking cold showers and wearing only a shirt in weather above roughly 60°F.

8. Get out of your own head.

In my twenties, I’ve squandered many opportunities and wasted so much time because I got lost in my story. Instead of doing the work, I’d get caught up in my thoughts, and myself – the “imaginary audience” that scrutinizes my every move, what I deserved in life, what I was missing, what I suck at, the obsessive need to make a name for myself, and on and on. We follow the narration in our head and get stuck in our own world without participating in the one around us. As Ryan Holiday said, “Our imagination – in many senses an asset – is dangerous when it runs wild.” Only when I stopped seeing everything in terms of “me” was I able to break out of this paralyzing mindset and put my intelligence and creativity to use. This blog is a product of that.

9. Chasing happiness leads to unhappiness.

We treat happiness like it’s a tangible product – something that can be purchased, given, or found. It’s more like the wind. You can’t see it or grab it, but you can feel it all around you when it’s there. It’s also fleeting and occasionally comes out of nowhere. We must stop chasing it because it will only lead to frustration and unfulfilled expectations. Besides, we’re terrible at determining what really makes us happy. Professor Daniel Gilbert from Harvard wrote a fascinating book about it. In sum, things are rarely as good as we hope they’ll be, but also not as bad as we think they’ll be. It’s the unexpected and little things in life that give us true joy.

10. Constraints unshackle you.

The more opportunities in life, the better, right? Not necessarily. Choice is overwhelming and our society is drowning in it. A simple trip to the store to buy toothpaste can take twenty minutes because you have fifty brands to choose from. The American psychologist, Barry Schwartz, calls this the Paradox of Choice. Too many options not only limit our freedom, but they obstruct our ability to focus. The solution? We must focus on less so we can go deeper instead of wider. I love being in situations in which I have little to work with. It ignites my creativity and concentration. It’s also when I’ve produced my best work.

11. Stress does kill.

Last year, I hit a point where I could not push my mind and body any further without making myself sick. I had a gigantic project at work in which the scope kept growing, but the deadline and resources to finish it stayed the same. To keep up, I worked long days, weekends, and got very poor sleep and exercise. The project pervaded my mind so much that I dreamed about it almost every night. It got so bad that I’d have to sit down and hold my chest because it would hurt, and the only way to relieve it was to cry. Not a sad cry, but a cry to release pressure. This went on for about eight months. Burning the candle at both ends and living with an “I’ll sleep when I die” attitude is not sustainable nor a way to live. Take care of yourself before getting to this point.

12. Believe in something.

I read somewhere that the second step of the road to recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous is to believe in a power greater than ourselves. It can be in the form of whatever faith you choose, even if you’re agnostic or atheist, but what this is about is surrender. When we relinquish control to a higher power, we are liberated from our own notions and expectations of life. It opens our minds and helps us accept the fact that in everything we do, the Universe prevails. It would help us (not just those in AA) to accept this so we can make peace and move on when things don’t work out the way we want them to.

13. Communication trumps intelligence.

Knowledge is power, but what good is it to have knowledge if you’re unable to share it? Too many times have I seen intellectually gifted people fail to influence others and deliver critical messages. The smart people who wrote off everyone as idiots because they weren’t understood saw little to no change in their careers, relationships, and self-development. On the other hand, Those who improved their skills of articulation excelled in every one of these matters and saw many doors open for them.

14. Love is a verb.

I’ve heard people say that love doesn’t take work; that it should be organic and without effort. I disagree. Anything worthwhile takes work. Maybe they see the term “work” in a negative light, but it’s vital in a relationship, especially a marriage. Putting in the effort to make it work is love. Maybe that’s why love can’t be described – because everyone expresses it differently. But you can certainly show it and feel it.

15. Sleep is the ultimate productivity hack.

If you look at some of history’s greatest men and women, few things were more important to them than sleep. Yet today’s productivity gurus and top entrepreneurs tout their abilities to accomplish so much on so little sleep. In 2016, I attended Tony Robbins’ three-day event, Unleash the Power Within, in which he spent the about half a day talking about ways to reduce our need for sleep. He said, “Imagine how much more work you can do if you only needed five hours of sleep?” It may work for some, but not me. I think Arthur Schopenhauer put it best when he said, “Sleep is the interest we pay on the capital which is called in at death; and the higher the rate of interest and the more regularly it is paid, the further the date of redemption is postponed.”

16. It’s okay to say, “I don’t know.”

People have given me advice throughout my career to never say “I don’t know” because it’ll make me look stupid. But doesn’t it look more stupid when you don’t? It was said that Socrates was the wisest man in Athens because he willingly admitted his own ignorance rather than pretend to know something he did not. He knew that saying you don’t know makes people want to help you, and it helps them understand why you’re doing that stupid thing. Most importantly, it drops your ego – a necessary prerequisite to cultivate an open mind.

17. Read, read, read.

Harry Truman once said, “Not all readers lead, but all leaders read.” A book is arguably an asset with one of the highest returns on investment, ever. Something so cheap and accessible can alter the course of one’s life. It’s a window that peers into the minds of history’s greatest people. Reading has shaped much of my understanding of the world and the actions I take every day. The more I read, the more I learn how little I know, and I love it. In today’s culture of instant digital gratification, we can’t say we understand issues by glancing at memes, social media posts, and YouTube clips. We have to do the work if we want to find truth. You can find my reading list here.

18. Make each day your masterpiece.

Coach John Wooden’s father once gave him a small wallet-sized card titled “Seven Things To Do.” The third thing on that list was to make each day your masterpiece. I remember this often. It doesn’t mean to have a good day, but to make something incredible from it. Even the worst day can be beautiful if you conquer its adversity the way someone you admire would. The day is also the longest thing in our lives that we can witness entirely in one conscious period; making it the only thing that we can follow from beginning to end without interruption. When we recognize this, we’re forced to narrow the focus of our intentions to what’s right in front of us, and live now.

19. Exercising rigorously will greatly improve your health.

Five years of type 1 diabetes and fervently monitoring my health has shown me that the body operates much more efficiently (physically and metabolically) when I do high-intensity (anaerobic) exercises like sprinting, weightlifting, CrossFit, and interval training. As uncomfortable as this type of physical training can be, it leaves steady-state aerobic activities (like running or walking) in the dust. Problems with blood glucose regulation become almost nonexistent when I incorporate anaerobic activity and a low-carb diet. I’ve written about it here.

20. Work feeds the soul.

Human brains are built to solve problems. The dream of laying on a hammock between palm trees is not what we’re meant to do, but many of us pursue this life because it’s the image of “success”. It may also be because we don’t like the work we do and blame it altogether for our unhappiness. That may be true, but what we may be missing is the activity of Deep Work and cultivating our craft. There’s a reason people love repairing cars, creating art, or building doors (like I did). Even Winston Churchill laid bricks during his downtime. Those activities are work, and they’re also therapy. This isn’t to say that we must work ourselves to the bone. As Leo Tolstoy said, “A good spiritual disposition can be destroyed by excessive work as well as by idleness.”

21. Emotions can be problematic.

Reactive emotions usually make things worse. They only swing the pendulum of a situation from one extreme to another, causing it to topple over. In the book Your Brain at Work, David Rock presents many scientific studies which show that we are literally dumber when we’re emotional. The neural networks in our brain completely bypass the logical side and go straight to the emotional side. It’s a fight-or-flight response, but it doesn’t take a scientist to see that. People from Ancient Greece have known this for thousands of years. Our best thoughts and actions come when our minds are still and able to see things objectively without the emotional baggage. If needed, take a step outside to get some air but we must redirect ourselves to composure. We’ll be glad we did.

22. Always strive for the present.

My happiest memories in life all happened when I was in the moment – not thinking of the past or future. On the other end, some of my worst bouts of anxiety and depression have resulted from ruminating on the past and having a dismal view of the future. The past is gone, and the future isn’t here yet, so the present is the only thing that is (and will ever be) real. So when we are not living in the present, we’re disconnected from reality. How absurd is it to live like that?

23. Say less than is necessary.

This is law number four of Robert Greene’s The 48 Laws of Power. You never know what information the other party has, and you can always give information if asked for it later. There is also much less damage control when you say something in your mind instead of out loud.

24. Connect with people by showing them how important they are to you.

In Dale Carnegie’s perennial book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, here are some of the most critical lessons to make people like you:

• Become genuinely interested in other people.
• Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
• Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
• Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.

See the pattern? People simply want to be heard and talk about themselves. If you give them your undivided attention, they will give you back so much more. I never start working with someone before making small talk or getting to know them. It’s so quick and easy to do, and it’s never failed me.

25. You are the people you keep around you.

We are reluctant to let go of toxic people in our lives. Maybe we’re afraid to hurt their feelings or we’re able to tolerate them in small doses, but we shouldn’t have to feel exhausted from being around someone. What if we doubled down on the few relationships that inspire and uplift us? The ones that remind us of what we’re capable of when everything seems like it’s crumbling. We are a product of our environment, especially the people we keep around us.

26. You’re never going to feel like it.

Imperfect conditions are not the reason many of us have achieved nothing worthwhile, but because we let it depend on what mood we’re in. We wait because we don’t feel like it. It’s a small thing, but it’s killing us because it happens every day, and compounds over time like interest on a loan. Those who have acted despite their mood or feelings are the ones that have been able to succeed. This subtle discrepancy is what draws the line between an extraordinary life and a dull one. It’s one thing to wait and practice patience, but something totally different and inferior to not do something that can be done right now.

27. Blame others as you would blame yourself.

We sometimes strive to reveal in others the blemishes we hide in ourselves. Whenever we’re about to find fault with someone, Marcus Aurelius said to ask ourselves, “What fault of mine most nearly resembles the one I am about to criticize?” We’re all hypocrites in some form. Whenever we point out someone’s flaws, we must also remember that three fingers are pointing right back at us.

28. A worthy relationship is liberating.

In the community of men, much talk about their spouses is usually pessimistic. They refer to their wives as a ball and chain. They say it’s all in good humor, but this is destructive. If done often enough, they begin to resent their women. I never understood how they can speak this way about their lifelong partners, but a wise man shared with me a view opposite to this that I can relate to. He told me that his relationship is liberating. That it’s not just about finding someone kind, good-looking, and supportive, but someone that makes you want to be a better man. Someone that will push you to your full potential and keep you accountable for it. They hold you to be the best you. How is that not freedom? But to receive this, one must also give it back.

29. Never stop playing.

Somewhere in our transition from childhood to adulthood, we stopped playing. We said that things like skateboarding, throwing a football, or playing tag were only for kids. After reading the book Play It Away, I went down a rabbit hole of research showing that play reduces anxiety, increases happiness, and sparks creativity. Lack of play is much of the reason we’re so stressed all the time. We can’t live life with unflinching solemnity. We didn’t as kids because we had fewer responsibilities, but play is still important in adulthood. The kid in us is still alive and kicking. Go outside and get dirty.

30. Philosophy is training for death.

I used to think that the works of philosophers like Plato, Aristotle, and the Stoics were to make a person spiritually stronger. But what for? Yes, it’s so we may live virtuously with justice, temperance, and wisdom. It’s also so that when the times comes for us to leave this life, we can go willingly and look back and see that we’ve lived a full life in accordance with the things that are most important to us. Since death happens to every living thing, we cannot consider it evil. The fear of death is natural, but we must train ourselves to sit comfortably with its inevitability. How would resisting it change anything? In the movie Gladiator, Marcus Aurelius said that “death smiles at us all, but all a man can do is smile back.”